One Year...

It's been 1 year today. One whole long/short year.
Crazy how that works......
how one day is seems like it was just yesterday that our world

came crashing down....

and the next day it seems like he's been gone forever.

It's been a year of reflection.....

A year of taking 2 steps forward and 3 steps backwards.
A year of digging deep and figuring out
what I really believe.....and why.

A year of learning how to cope with a huge hole in my heart.
A year of learning that as hard as I try....
and as much as I want answers....I'm not going to get them.
I have to let go of that yearning....and that is hard for me.

A year of trying to be a voice....
and letting people know that depression is real.
I wish I could MAKE people get help.That would be really nice.
I like making people do things! (Just ask Bill.)

A year of learning how to cope with guilt. (hate that word.)
Guilt that I didn't do more when he was here.

Guilt that I couldn't stop him.
Guilt when a day goes by that I don't think of him.

Guilt when some days he consumes my every thought.
Guilt when I can't remember little things about him....
about growing up with him....

Why wasn't our whole life recorded so I could sit back,
and watch, and remember?

My heart aches for him.
One can only imagine the pain he must have been feeling inside.
I hope he has found the peace and solace he was looking for.
I hope it all makes sense to him now.
While talking to a dear friend last night she got me thinking.....
maybe....just maybe....part of his "punishment"
is watching and feeling the pain that he's caused
to those of us still here.
And the longer I hold on to the guilt, and the sadness,
and the anger..... and all the negative.....
The more I'm holding him back.
The more difficult I am making his progression become.

So today is the beginning of a new chapter for me.
I'm letting go....of the negative.
I'm living life like I know Cody would want me to live.
A little more kind, a little more generous, and a little more happy.

My boys still talk about him all the time.
Especially Madden.
The tears flow easily for that kid.
He has such a soft heart.
(although I do have to mention...
that his "reflection" moments ALWAYS come at bedtime...
making me think he's just trying to prolong the inevitable....)
Regardless , he misses his Uncle
and loves any chance he can get to talk about him.
He is very hung up on the fact that
he "didn't know he was going to die".....
and wants so badly to be able to say good-bye to him.

Mason is a deep thinker.....but rarely ever cries.
He'll throw out a question or a statement every now and then
about Cody's death, and it catches me off guard.
He gets it. All of it. I worry about him sometimes.
He's so much like his Uncle Cody....
very hard on himself and very analytical.
But also extremely kindhearted, thoughtful, and caring.

And Macks....funny Macks.
He'll bring up "Coco up" (as in Cody's up in heaven)

at the most random of times.

After repeating "Coco up" thirteen times,

he follows with a sad face and fake sniffles.
Then runs to grab a box of tissues to hand out.

That was his job the week following Cody's death.

He didn't get it.....but he put on a sad face like the rest of us....

and handed out tissues.

Miss Marley will never know her Uncle Cody.
That makes me sad. He never held her.
I tried to make him one day....and he replied,

"Nah, I'll hold her when she gets a little bigger."
She was only 3 weeks old when he left us.

Every now and then we see him in her.
It brought my cousin to tears the other day when he saw Marley....

"Oh my gosh....she looks so much like Cody!" he said.

I smiled. I like that thought.

Last by not least, I'd like to thank everyone for their prayers, their thoughts, and their support over the past year. My heart is full of gratitude for the wonderful friends and family I've been blessed with. I am in awe of the amount of people who offered to do ANYTHING during those first few weeks....and although I didn't take any of you up on it....I knew without question that all I'd have to do is ask and you'd be there.....so thank you.
Hugs and kisses to you all!