It has been 6 months. A whole half of a year. Crazy! I miss you Cody. I wish I could give you a huge hug and just sit down and talk with you. There is so much I want to ask and so much that I want to say. As you know I'm a little on the impatient side, so having to wait on stuff like this is driving me nuts. You probably find it humerous.....as you did most things. That was one thing I've always admired about you. You never really got mad. If you were bothered by something or upset over something or simply thought something was stupid....you'd shake your head and laugh it off. I'm going to try to be more like you.
Wish me luck and give me a little help from the other side please!
I love you, Chiara
When Cody died the first stage of the grieving process I went through was anger. It hit hard and fast....but left quickly. I never thought I would revisit that stage, but it's back. However, this time I'm not necessarily angry with Cody. I'm angry with depression.Depression is real. It is a disease....just like diabetes, or cancer, or Aids. Yet, there are people out there who don't believe that. I used to be one of them. "If you are not happy....then do something about it," I would think. "If what you are doing isn't working for you....do something else." "If you feel scared, lonely, hurt, confused, etc.....tell someone about it and get some help." It seemed easy to me. A no brainer. It wasn't until I suffered from it myself during my pregnancy with Macks that I realized how horrible and consuming and REAL it was. I fought it for a long time. I tried doing something different. I tried talking to people about it. I have will-power like you wouldn't believe.....and I couldn't do anything about it by myself. I needed professional and medical help. It was a very humbling experience when all was said and done.....and I'm very grateful for the insight it gave me. Without a doubt I feel like depression is one of Satan's best tools....his very best effort to pull us down. And far too often he wins the battle. And that simply makes me furious!
Me heart aches for people who suffer from this disease and don't get the help that they need. You can't force people to get help. You can't force them to see that they have the disease. So what CAN you do? I ask myself that question everyday. What could I have done to help Cody? What can I do now to help others I know with depression? I wish there was a black and white answer.....but unfortunately there's not. All that I can come up with is this.....be a true friend. Everyone needs someone they can go to. To talk to. To feel comfortable enough to ask for help. Everyone needs to know that they are loved and that others care about them. Everyone needs someone to lift them up when they are down.
For those of you that have suffered from depression or have lost someone to this disease....consider this story that I am stealing from a friends blog:
A man who fell into a deep dark hole. Try as he might, he could not get out. A doctor walked by and saw the man. He wrote out a prescription and threw it down the hole. A preacher walked by and threw down a prayer. Another man came along and jumped in the hole with him. The man said, "Oh great! Now we are both stuck!" The other man replied, " No, I have been down here before so I can show you the way out."
8 comments:
Chiara, your posts about your sweet brother bring me to tears EVERY time. I can't believe that it has been 6 months. I am so sorry you guys are going through this...I wish there was something we could do or say to make the pain go away. Just know that we love you guys and you are always in our prayers.
love you war! thanks for being the best older sister any sibling could ask for!
Dear Chiara-Mad is good, it's a motivator...It is a process that takes time. You are helping others and yourself too. We have all had our bouts with depression and you have learned that you must get help. Some people are not that lucky and don't know how to get help, that is the sad part. One day it will be easier...
We are all here to help each other through.
Chiara- So true, all of it. Especially being a true friend. It's really all you can do. I have struggled over the past week about how I can help my brother, wishing I could make the right decisions for him, but it just comes down to that, all I can do is be his friend. So simple and so hard all at the same time.
thanks for being my true friend... the whole world deserves a true friend like you! I love you Chi.
This quote actually reminded me of your blog. Thanks for truly being a great friend and taking time to appreciate the little and big things. :) "In moments of discouragement, defeat, or even despair, there are always certain things to cling to. Little things usually: remembered laughter, the face of a sleeping child, a tree in the wind-in fact, any reminder of something deeply felt or dearly loved.
No man is so poor as not to have many of these small candles. When they are lighted, darkness goes away-and a touch of wonder remains."
Chiara, you are amazing. I wish my family was there for me when I went through it. I was 21 years old, got out of a very abusive relationship, fell into that deep dark hole and checked myself into a hospital for help. My brothers and sisters thought I was "over dramatizing" the issue and I just needed to "get over it". That nearly killed me. Depression is real,and it HURTS. Unlike ANY pain I have ever felt. Pills, therapy etc etc can only do so much....support, love, a should to cry on etc etc THOSE things heal the pain. I truly love how awesome and supportive you are, and your brother was sure lucky to have you. Sometimes you can only do so much, and I am sure Cody loves and appreciates everything you did and are doing for him =)
Chiara-
I just left a note on FB for you about the AFSP walk for Suicide Prevention on Saturday. I then saw your link to your blog and read your post about depression. First, I am so glad that my little sister Jami was friends with you way back in Bountiful and was able to be surrounded by you & your special family. Secondly, no matter what, our paths were going to cross since we met up in Daybreak and then your cousin Shayla lives across the street from me. I really appreciate your posts and have a prayer in my heart for your loss of your brother. It is hard & I wish I could say the years make death easier. They don't. But I do know that we do have help from above and they are cheering us on and that families are eternal and that we will be better because of our loss somehow. I too have suffered depression, so I totally loved reading this. Thanks Chiara for being you!
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