I don't like Mother's Day.....

(GASP)

I know, I know...but let me explain. Ever since I can remember I couldn't wait to be a mom. It was all I ever remember REALLY wanting. I was the best darn mom to my Cabbage Patch Dolls. I sang to them, talked softly to them, danced with them, slept with them, kept them safe from Cabbage Jack, and spent hours dressing and feeding them. In fact, I remember feeling sad for all those poor dolls that lived with other little girls...for I knew they were not loved and taken care of as well as my dolls were. I played with my dolls well beyond the appropriate years. I remember coming home from JR. HIGH and closing the door of my room and pulling out my dolls for a little "mom time."

Growing up I was the oldest of 8 kids (I know, I do have an older brother....but when I was babysitting and I'd "discipline" him and tell him to go to his room and he'd actually do it....I'm going to steal the "oldest sibling card" from him!) One phrase that I can remember my mom using all the time was, "Chiara is my right arm, I couldn't survive without her!" I had a lot of responsibility at a young age.....and I loved it. I loved taking care of my younger siblings. I loved "being in charge" and feeling needed. My siblings didn't necessarily like the fact that they had TWO moms....I remember when they'd get upset with me they'd call me "Mother Theresa"....or when I'd tell them to do something, they'd say, "You are not my mom!! You think you are Mother Theresa!" Too bad it wasn't until they were MUCH older did they realize that Mother Theresa was a gentle, kindhearted soul....not some raving lunatic pretending to be a mom!! :)-

In high school my graduating class voted me "Most likely to have 10 kids." I even got a pack of diapers at our graduation breakfast. (Hummm, I wonder what I ever did with those...they'd sure come in handy right about now....)

In College a boyfriend told me that he knew I would be a fabulous mom....but did wonder what kind of wife I would be....because he could see me giving 110% to my kids and not having much left to give to my husband.....

So you see, I was destined to be a mom. And now....I AM a mom. With four kids. And I'm not the kind of mom I thought I was going to be. I had dreams. I was supposed to be THE BEST. I wasn't going to be one of those moms that yelled at her kids in the grocery store...or worse, just ignore them and let them scream. Guess what, I do both. I wasn't going to be the kind of mom who's inside of her car looked like it belonged in the local land fill. Guess what, mine does. I wasn't going to be the kind of mom that wished she had a nanny. Guess what, I do.
The list goes on.....

So, back to Mother's Day. I think I don't like Mother's Day because it makes me feel guilty. Not that I think I'm a bad mom....because I know I'm not. I bust my butt day in and day out and I do the best I can. Maybe I feel this way today because I watched Mason and Madden sing a song about moms in church....something about how "my mom is the best...she is more patient than the rest. She is smart and kind and something, something, something...." But Madden was glaring at me and had this evil/mad look on his face...because moments before I had taken his markers away and wouldn't let him color anymore because he got marker on his pants, shirt, and hands....and as he walked past me to go sing he says, "You are the meanest mom ever!" Mason was rolling his eyes while he sang. He refused to do any of the actions. He was mad at me because moments before I made him switch seats on the pew and sit by me because he was bugging his brothers. I think he even mumbled the "h" word....

as in "I hate you."

And then there was Macks. I bathed him, lotioned him, put his clothes on (including buttoning up a onesie), and took him to church. An hour and a half into church he walks up to me with wet pants. I was sure he had sat in something, or dumped his sippie cup out all over himself.....so I run home to change him. And that is when I realize....that his crazy, out of control mother forgot to put a diaper on him. Yes folks, you heard me right...
Don't ask me how I managed this one, because I'm still totally baffled by it. But I took my not quite 2 year old son to church without a diaper on. I know i'm the queen of multi-tasking, but what in the world was I doing when I got him dressed?!?!

I look at my kids and I wouldn't trade what I do for anything. I really do love being a mom, I'm just not as good at it as I always thought I would be. Maybe I'm too hard on myself....or maybe I had unrealistic expectations about what motherhood was all about.....or maybe I just need some sleep....either way, I'm glad this day is over!